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If you’re a Christian who even remotely grew up in the “courtship” world, you probably heard that Joshua Harris, the famous author of “I Kissed Dating Goodbye,” recently apologized for parts of his book after some women on Twitter blamed him for their ruined love lives.
You can read his exact comments here (for brevity’s sake I won’t repeat them).
As someone who grew up with ‘courtship Christianity’ (I took two classes on Biblical courtship and read almost every book imaginable on the subject, including Harris’), swore to court and then dated a high school boyfriend (didn’t end well), and then dated and married my college boyfriend (woot!), this news hit home.
If I were going to tweet at Joshua Harris like the ladies who started this whole Harris-apology business, I would have likely said: “Bawled during my first kiss, thanks @HarrisJosh”
It’s true. I didn’t ever kiss my high school boyfriend, but about five months into dating my now-hubby, we “slipped” and shared a simple smooch in one of the school classroom buildings. There was no Princess Diaries “foot pop,” no sparks, no fireworks or magic. Instead, I burst into tears — and hubby felt horribly guilty. I had promised myself — at 12 years old — that I would save that sacred first kiss for the altar.
I didn’t. And now, I don’t regret it.
You see, Harris was and is right about a lot of things: I believe in purity, I believe in marriage, I believe in oneness, I believe in sacrificial love. I believe the Bible has a lot to say about sexuality. And I don’t actually blame Harris for anything — and none of us should. We are all responsible for our own actions! But the danger in Harris’ (former) view is the thought that there is some “one size fits all” guide to romance and relationship.
Not only is the Bible filled with many different love stories (Ruth and Boaz vs. Rebekah and Issac — couldn’t be more opposite!), so are our churches. I met Mr. Right a month into college at the age of 18. I married him three years later. My mom met my dad at a square dance in Texas. They tied the knot within 10 months. Just ask around and you’ll hear a million different stories of how our awesome, all-powerful God worked in the lives of his children and made many great matches. Without following Harris’ courtship formula.
What I’ve always disliked about these books is that they try to put God in a box: “You will only find the right spouse and have a satisfying sex life and stay married forever if you do x, y, and z.” God works in mysterious ways, especially with love, and no matter how much we hide we can’t avoid pain in this broken world.
According to courtship, I did it “wrong” with Casey. Even though I called my dad before we started dating, even though we both loved the Lord, even though we made purity a top priority, we broke many Harris-rules. We went on dates alone and were in cars alone. We were in college 800 miles away from home, so our parents couldn’t be our ever-present guides to holy living. We kissed before we said “I do.”
Ya, I dated “too young” and got hurt. But I also dated “too young” and got married “too young” and it was the best decision of my life. And guess what? High school boyfriend just got married too. God worked it all out, and I don’t regret the pain because it makes me love my husband so much more.
What matters in Biblical relationship are principles — not preferences. Principles are things like purity, loyalty, honesty, kindness, selflessness and love. Preferences are things like not kissing until the altar, not going on dates alone, and having the guy ask dad to date his daughter. Those things aren’t bad in and of themselves, and we have to live according to our consciences, but they also aren’t the end-all be-all. You can follow the formula and miss the relationship. And that’s likely what’s causing all these bitter 20 and 30 somethings to lash out at Harris.
I don’t blame Harris because there was a point in time when I was one of his most dedicated disciples. But I thank God that He made my story a little different. I thank Him that I did kiss Casey and it didn’t ruin our marriage. I thank Him for intervening in my life. I thank Him that our relationship doesn’t fit a mold. Because of all that, I’ve gotten to see the Lord work in amazing ways that I might have missed if everything went “according to plan.”
“The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps.” Proverbs 16:9 (English Standard Version)
